I am so sorry for being this late with these edits :( I got really busy this week, which is a lame excuse but it's all I can give.
Good job on this. I really enjoyed it. Anselma struck me as a really good villain. Good job on the character. Also, Catalina pulled off a really surprising twist there.
So here are my edits:
...to read. [it isn't clear, but you could start a new paragraph here to show that she's started reading again] Shaun and Catalina...
“You are accused of bringing pirates in to attack us. How do you plead?” -This sentence seems a bit too informal for a judge to say, maybe you could try, "You are accused of being responsible for the arrival and attack of pirates on our shores."
"The defendant and the lawyer for the defense and the prosecutor faced him" -The way this sentence lists these people seems a bit confusing. You could say 'The defendant, the defense lawyer and the prosecutor faced him."
"I am not at fault[,]” Anselma said...
the fear [remove comma here] of the attack
Catalina and Shaun had woken to the sound of screaming [you can remove the comma here] and found some of the guards lying [you can put 'dead' here to emphasize that they're dead] in their own blood [you can start a new sentenc here] the others [were] fighting for their lives.
A juror decided to introduce her head to her desk; another decided that his eyes needed to know his hands better. The lawyer for the defense heaved a deep sigh and shook his head. -I love this set of sentences
Sometimes Catalina wondered [using 'whether' instead of 'is' here would make more sense] Anselma was stupid.
Also, to clarify things, I think you should tell the reader earlier that Catalina and Shaun are the king and queen and that Anselma is his aunt. Or, you could at least put some hint of it in their actions. For example, if they are the king and queen, they wouldn't had had to push through the crowd. Just things like that would help the reader understand better.
All in all, this is a really interesting idea. Good job again on this.
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Date: 2011-04-21 04:01 pm (UTC)Good job on this. I really enjoyed it. Anselma struck me as a really good villain. Good job on the character. Also, Catalina pulled off a really surprising twist there.
So here are my edits:
...to read. [it isn't clear, but you could start a new paragraph here to show that she's started reading again]
Shaun and Catalina...
“You are accused of bringing pirates in to attack us. How do you plead?” -This sentence seems a bit too informal for a judge to say, maybe you could try, "You are accused of being responsible for the arrival and attack of pirates on our shores."
"The defendant and the lawyer for the defense and the prosecutor faced him" -The way this sentence lists these people seems a bit confusing. You could say 'The defendant, the defense lawyer and the prosecutor faced him."
"I am not at fault[,]” Anselma said...
the fear [remove comma here] of the attack
Catalina and Shaun had woken to the sound of screaming [you can remove the comma here] and found some of the guards lying [you can put 'dead' here to emphasize that they're dead] in their own blood [you can start a new sentenc here] the others [were] fighting for their lives.
A juror decided to introduce her head to her desk; another decided that his eyes needed to know his hands better. The lawyer for the defense heaved a deep sigh and shook his head. -I love this set of sentences
Sometimes Catalina wondered [using 'whether' instead of 'is' here would make more sense] Anselma was stupid.
Also, to clarify things, I think you should tell the reader earlier that Catalina and Shaun are the king and queen and that Anselma is his aunt. Or, you could at least put some hint of it in their actions. For example, if they are the king and queen, they wouldn't had had to push through the crowd. Just things like that would help the reader understand better.
All in all, this is a really interesting idea. Good job again on this.