Actually I love the title. It sums up one of the big issues of First Nation groups perfectly without being strident. As Keppie mentions, there are a few punctuation errors,but that is an easy issue.
But yet you forced us to leave,
Something about that line bothers me and I am not sure how it could be fixed. Why does it bother me? I think 'you' needs more emphasis. and instead of us perhaps working in the actual First Nation Lenape that you are writing about.
A real picky thing. Lenapehoking. There are a number of different names for the area. This is actually the most modern that I know of.
The last two lines are arguably among the most powerful that I have seen you write so far. It is sad that this group is actually fighting other nations these days more than the Europeans.
Love to see it edited at some point. And good luck with the competition.
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dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses
Date: 2011-06-15 11:30 am (UTC)Actually I love the title. It sums up one of the big issues of First Nation groups perfectly without being strident. As Keppie mentions, there are a few punctuation errors,but that is an easy issue.
But yet you forced us to leave,
Something about that line bothers me and I am not sure how it could be fixed. Why does it bother me? I think 'you' needs more emphasis. and instead of us perhaps working in the actual First Nation Lenape that you are writing about.
A real picky thing. Lenapehoking. There are a number of different names for the area. This is actually the most modern that I know of.
The last two lines are arguably among the most powerful that I have seen you write so far. It is sad that this group is actually fighting other nations these days more than the Europeans.
Love to see it edited at some point. And good luck with the competition.