I like this, the mentioning of the roundabout logic of the people to whom the poem is addressed.
The last line... I'm not sure if you intended it this way, but there's a bit of a double meaning that I can see in it that seems pretty interesting. It's the "we move when you want us to" versus the "we'll move back home when you get out of our way" that struck me (as much as I'm not sure how it really works there). Oh well, first read gives first impressions, hmm?
I also think that it's good that it doesn't necessarily flow so much as bob up and down on the waves. It fits the prompt nicely.
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Date: 2011-06-16 10:11 pm (UTC)The last line... I'm not sure if you intended it this way, but there's a bit of a double meaning that I can see in it that seems pretty interesting. It's the "we move when you want us to" versus the "we'll move back home when you get out of our way" that struck me (as much as I'm not sure how it really works there). Oh well, first read gives first impressions, hmm?
I also think that it's good that it doesn't necessarily flow so much as bob up and down on the waves. It fits the prompt nicely.