I really loved your idea -- it worked nicely with the prompt and was rather unexpected, so nice job!
I do think that some of your lines are a little awkward. These lines in particular show that: "They wanted to revolt, and for in the enevitable seige, it was decided to murder us, because we would waste resources,"
Aside from the spelling error (enevitable should be inevitable), "it was decided to murder us because we would waste resources" is murky even in prose, but in poetry it simply sounds stilted. In your poetry you seem to do a lot of "telling". It also doesn't help that "it was decided to murder us" is passive voice and sounds awkward no matter where it's said, but I think you could examine this poem more closely and find ways to say the same things with more elegance. I did, however, LOVE the first line, which I think worked wonderfully and it drew me in straight away!
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Date: 2011-07-20 02:06 pm (UTC)I do think that some of your lines are a little awkward. These lines in particular show that: "They wanted to revolt,
and for in the enevitable seige,
it was decided to murder us,
because we would waste resources,"
Aside from the spelling error (enevitable should be inevitable), "it was decided to murder us because we would waste resources" is murky even in prose, but in poetry it simply sounds stilted. In your poetry you seem to do a lot of "telling". It also doesn't help that "it was decided to murder us" is passive voice and sounds awkward no matter where it's said, but I think you could examine this poem more closely and find ways to say the same things with more elegance. I did, however, LOVE the first line, which I think worked wonderfully and it drew me in straight away!