Brigit's Flame Entry-Week Two
Mar. 13th, 2011 11:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Title: Amazing Things
Author: eiremauve
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Word Count: 79
Prompt: Balance
I have seen gymnasts do many amazing things
Balance on their neck on beam
Go straight from the springboard to the top bar
Get robbed of a medal for having cold medicine
And managing to not be angry
Get perfect scores on everything
But perhaps the most amazing thing of all
Was watching an injured Kerri Strug
Who was limping about on one foot
Somehow ran to the springboard
Performed a vault
And stuck her dismount
Author: eiremauve
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Word Count: 79
Prompt: Balance
I have seen gymnasts do many amazing things
Balance on their neck on beam
Go straight from the springboard to the top bar
Get robbed of a medal for having cold medicine
And managing to not be angry
Get perfect scores on everything
But perhaps the most amazing thing of all
Was watching an injured Kerri Strug
Who was limping about on one foot
Somehow ran to the springboard
Performed a vault
And stuck her dismount
no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 06:36 pm (UTC)Thank you for reminding me of that. You've clearly recalled it in my mind with your lovely little poem.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 12:25 am (UTC)Your BF edit!
Date: 2011-03-14 11:09 pm (UTC)First of all, I want to say that I like the subject that you chose to showcase! I was going to do something with gymnastics, as well, but I'm glad I didn't, because I can see that I would have been outmatched!
Afar as grammar advice in poetry goes, I know that it is largely subjective, and I do appreciate that. I feel that this poem might benefit from some traditional punctuation, though, given its conversational tone. You are addressing the audience in a rather informal style, and I think that proper punctuation would be helpful, for example:
I have seen gymnasts do many amazing things:
Balance on their neck on beam,
Go straight from the springboard to the top bar,
Just in that short section, you can see how the traditional punctuation helps make it more readable.
One small thing that stuck me while I was reading was the repetition on the word "get", especially placed, as it was, at the beginning of the sentence. May I suggest an alternate word, something less choppy and jarring, especially considering that that may be a perfect place for a new thought?
Balance on their neck on beam
Go straight from the springboard to the top bar
Get robbed of a medal for having cold medicine
And managing to not be angry
Get perfect scores on everything
The first two verses are discussing physical feats, and the other three are mentioning emotional endurance. Perhaps a clear break and a fully formed sentence could separate the two more distinctly?
The second part, the emotional powerhouse of the poem, almost seems to have the wrong tense in one of the phrases near the end. I couldn't decide where, but upon reconsideration I do think that punctuation would clear that up nicely. So where and how you do that is up to you, but I encourage you to keep the rules in mind and just add commas and periods as you typically would. Sometimes in poetry it isn't necessary, but this piece is of a more practical nature, and as it is detailing something of a more commentary nature, I do think that could be helpful to the reader, and it would clarify more than it would detract.
Other than that, I commend you, again, for the great subject you chose! This was an uplifting piece that detailed a great moment in sports history, both for the team and for the individual. I think you captured that perfectly in a few short words, so my hat is off to you!
Re: Your BF edit!
Date: 2011-03-15 12:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 05:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 03:51 pm (UTC)EDITOR
Date: 2011-03-20 04:05 pm (UTC)I pretty much agree with everything keppie suggested. I know last week we talked a bit about how to insert a bit more poetry into your prose to create prosetry. Punctuation is an especially good way to do that. Not only does it give reader cues about where to pause, where to read in more emphasis, and where to stop altogether, it also creates some texture to the words and adds layers. If you’re interested, I’d like to suggest checking out some of
Having said that, however, I DO notice a difference from last week’s entry in terms of structure and paying attention to rhythm. That is SO cool! Keep it up, m’dear!
So, some more specific comments:
I have seen gymnasts do many amazing things
Just a small suggestion here: “many amazing things” reads a little awkwardly to me for some reason. This might just be a personal thing, but consider cutting “many” out of this line.
Balance on their neck on beam
Again, the phrasing here just reads a sliiiiight bit off. I keep wanting to stick an extra little word in there, like “…on a beam”.
Get perfect scores on everything
Echoing keppie on the “get” repetition. This part here would be easy to change, maybe to something like “earn” or “score perfect marks” or something like that.
Was watching an injured Kerri Strug
Who was limping about on one foot
Somehow ran to the springboard
Performed a vault
And stuck her dismount
Guh. I remember watching that entire routine. Easily one of the most incredibly things I’ve ever seen. I think the only thing that tops it is the accident that happened to a figure skater and her partner. They were doing what’s called a camel spin where they’re on one leg with the other parallel to the ice and spinning. You saw the guy edging closer and closer and all I remember thinking was, “OMG HE’S GOING TO HIT HER PLEASE DON’T LET IT BE HIS SKATE – OH GOD!!!”
Yeah. The fact that she was back on the ice with him only a few weeks later was pretty incredible.
Anyway, sorry to ramble there! Constructive comment on this part: there’s some slight tensing differences going on here, “Was watching” and “performed a vault” are past tense while “ran to the springboard” and “stuck her landing” are present. Just be careful of that for future pieces.
And… that’s it! A very easy edit this week. Great job!
Re: EDITOR
Date: 2011-03-22 02:19 am (UTC)