Brigit's Flame Entry-Week One

[eiremauve]

Title: Cat in the Square
Author: eiremauve
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Word Count: 103
Prompt: sashay
A/N: This needs to be more poetic. >_<

The humans are sashaying around
to the call of the man lazing on the couch
(he is supposed to be standing up
and clapping to the rhythm,
but no one cares)
So much order, yet such exuberance
I would love to join in, so I do
Why should they stop me?
I walk casually in
slinking around
weaving in between the dancers
But they try to stop me!
As they do whenever I try a reasonable thing
A woman comes and picks me up,
cradling me like a baby
and takes me out of the dance floor
What an insult to my dignity!

Comments

EDITOR Part Two

[toxic-apiaceae.livejournal.com]

So, as to the piece itself, some general comments:

I thought this was ridiculously adorable. You establish from the very first line that the narrator isn’t human and then clarify through the last few lines that it’s a cat via tone. I especially love that last line. It was so perfectly cat-like it made me grin.

There’s a lot of very good use of alliteration and description in here. I don’t know if the alliteration of the “S” sounds were intentional or not, but it works very well with the weekly topic. The way the cat was described weaving through the dancers and the man who was supposed to be clapping out the beat were also very good.

There are a few lines that could use some tweaking to make this read a little more cleanly:

to the call of the man lazing on the couch

This line here reads a little awkwardly due to phrasing, particularly in the first segment. “to the call of the man…” It’s a little choppy sounding, so see if it can be rephrased more smoothly.

(he is supposed to be standing up
and clapping to the rhythm,
but no one cares)

I really like this section here! It has the poetic feel that you wanted to establish. The one thing I might suggest is cutting out the “but no one cares”. A cat would care, don’t you think, that someone isn’t doing what they’re supposed to. Or maybe that’s just me. I just think it might read more cat-like if this was switched from being an observation into a critiquing of the man by the cat.


So much order, yet such exuberance

Here, the word choice of “exuberance” seems odd. I know it’s meant to express boundless joy, but the “yet” implies a more contrasting term, something like “recklessness” or “chaos”.

I walk casually in
slinking around
weaving in between the dancers

This here is my favorite part, hands down. The word choice, the structure, the imagery… it’s all fantastic. Nice work!

And that’s all I have for you! Overall, this was cleanly written with an excellent, fun concept that played into not only the topic but the overlying theme very nicely. Just keep working at the poetry and you’ll eventually get to a place where you’re happy with the result. Poetry is, in my opinion (and coming from a VERY heavy prose background), one of the hardest forms of written expression out there. I give you full marks for even attempting it, especially on your first shot out of the gate. Keep it up! It’s a wonderful form of writing and I’m confident that you’ll be able to succeed with it. Good luck and welcome to the community!

Re: EDITOR Part Two

[eiremauve.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow, thank you so much! :D