Brigit's Flame Entry-Week One

[eiremauve]

Title: Cat in the Square
Author: eiremauve
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Word Count: 103
Prompt: sashay
A/N: This needs to be more poetic. >_<

The humans are sashaying around
to the call of the man lazing on the couch
(he is supposed to be standing up
and clapping to the rhythm,
but no one cares)
So much order, yet such exuberance
I would love to join in, so I do
Why should they stop me?
I walk casually in
slinking around
weaving in between the dancers
But they try to stop me!
As they do whenever I try a reasonable thing
A woman comes and picks me up,
cradling me like a baby
and takes me out of the dance floor
What an insult to my dignity!

Comments

[keppiehed.livejournal.com]

First of all, am I right that you are a newcomer to the Flame, or am I having a brain-blank? If so, a most hearty welcome. If not, please ignore me! But either way, I loved your take on a square dance! It was very cute, and quite enjoyable. Thanks so much for sharing!

[eiremauve.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'm new. :) Thank you so much! I was hoping it would be fun to read, glad you enjoyed it!

[thorarosebird.livejournal.com]

NEW PERSON NEW PERSON NEW PERSON WAAA-OOH WAAA-OOH *sirens flash round*

Hiii, :D It's nice to see a new face; welcome to the Flame! :) This is a really cute entry. I love things like this that are from the POV of unexpected things or characters, it feels very playful. :) I guess there are issues you can address with regards to punctuating this, but I'm by no means an expert in poetry! Well done. :)

[eiremauve.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you very much! Yeah, there are some punctuation...issues. >_< Glad you liked it! :)

[merthin.livejournal.com]

How appropriately cat-like. Cats are very reasonable, especially from the point of view of the cat. :-) I quite enjoyed reading this. Welcome and good luck.

[eiremauve.livejournal.com]

Yes, they are! :D Thank you so much!

[chuck-the-plant.livejournal.com]

Very cute! The thinking seems so much along the lines of how a cat would think (especially 'what an insult to my dignity!').

Did the 'man lazing on the couch' represent something, or is this a case of "sometimes a tree is just a tree" and I'm reading too deep into it?

I enjoyed it!

[eiremauve.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! This as fun to write, I love cats. No, the man doesn't represent anything, he's just there. :)

EDITOR Part One

[toxic-apiaceae.livejournal.com]

Hey, eire! My name’s Tox and I’ll be one of your editors this week. It’s a pleasure to meet you! I don’t think I’ve done an edit for you before, so this will be a fun treat for us both.

So, I saw in the notes that you feel this needs to be more poetic. Since you’ve asked for a moderate edit, I’ll try and do my best to possibly help in that, but understand that I’m a little limited on commenting due to the editing level.

One thing that might help give this a more classic poetic vibe rather than reading like prosetry would be to try and set line rhythms. Basically, set a pattern for counts per line and stick with it. By doing this, it creates a lyrical structure and lyricism is a big part of poetry. And setting a rhythm pattern is a great way to suck readers in! They’ll get so caught in the beats that before they know it they’ve reached the end. That’s why all those songs that a person normally hates gets stuck in their head. Rhythm also allows you to control the emotional aspects of a piece. Perhaps it starts off slow and even to reflect the calmness, but then it suddenly starts to speed up, get shorter and more clipped to demonstrate the rising excitement, and then… calm again. It’s a LOT of fun to play with rhythm like this.

Another area that could be touched upon to give it more character and also make it read more like a poem is to play with punctuation. In poetry more so than in prose, doing crazy, creative things with punctuation is a totally okay thing to do. Stick commas at the ends of the lines, use hyphens if you want. You can even choose to play with the text itself by picking out phrases or words that you think are especially important and italicizing/bolding them. Or, if you really wanna go nuts with it, play with font size as well. That’s always a fun way to emphasize or de-emphasize a piece. Basically, what I’m saying is that if in the future it doesn’t read like a traditional, classic poem but you don’t want it to read like prose – let loose on it completely in this regard.

Another idea to make this read more like a poem are to play with line breaks – where one line leaves off and the next starts. One thing I noticed upon reading this through was that almost every single line is a completed thought. This isn’t made, especially if there’s a rhythm established with the words, but it also doesn’t give the reader a reason to carry on reading. If the lines were broken up differently so that in order to find out what happens the reader has to continue on, not only will this create further interest but it’ll also make this read more like a poem. Example: The humans are sashaying/around to the call of/the man lazing on the couch. Granted, that’s probably NOT an ideal example, but it’s the best breaking I could think of short notice. But see how the breaks work to keep the reader going on? It’s a very handy little trick to have and works PEFECTLY for almost any time of poetry.

EDITOR Part Two

[toxic-apiaceae.livejournal.com]

So, as to the piece itself, some general comments:

I thought this was ridiculously adorable. You establish from the very first line that the narrator isn’t human and then clarify through the last few lines that it’s a cat via tone. I especially love that last line. It was so perfectly cat-like it made me grin.

There’s a lot of very good use of alliteration and description in here. I don’t know if the alliteration of the “S” sounds were intentional or not, but it works very well with the weekly topic. The way the cat was described weaving through the dancers and the man who was supposed to be clapping out the beat were also very good.

There are a few lines that could use some tweaking to make this read a little more cleanly:

to the call of the man lazing on the couch

This line here reads a little awkwardly due to phrasing, particularly in the first segment. “to the call of the man…” It’s a little choppy sounding, so see if it can be rephrased more smoothly.

(he is supposed to be standing up
and clapping to the rhythm,
but no one cares)

I really like this section here! It has the poetic feel that you wanted to establish. The one thing I might suggest is cutting out the “but no one cares”. A cat would care, don’t you think, that someone isn’t doing what they’re supposed to. Or maybe that’s just me. I just think it might read more cat-like if this was switched from being an observation into a critiquing of the man by the cat.


So much order, yet such exuberance

Here, the word choice of “exuberance” seems odd. I know it’s meant to express boundless joy, but the “yet” implies a more contrasting term, something like “recklessness” or “chaos”.

I walk casually in
slinking around
weaving in between the dancers

This here is my favorite part, hands down. The word choice, the structure, the imagery… it’s all fantastic. Nice work!

And that’s all I have for you! Overall, this was cleanly written with an excellent, fun concept that played into not only the topic but the overlying theme very nicely. Just keep working at the poetry and you’ll eventually get to a place where you’re happy with the result. Poetry is, in my opinion (and coming from a VERY heavy prose background), one of the hardest forms of written expression out there. I give you full marks for even attempting it, especially on your first shot out of the gate. Keep it up! It’s a wonderful form of writing and I’m confident that you’ll be able to succeed with it. Good luck and welcome to the community!

Re: EDITOR Part Two

[eiremauve.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow, thank you so much! :D

[pipisafoat]

Hello, eire! Apologies for being so late with this. A million things going on all over the place and I forgot to make an actual to-do list. However! Better late than never, right? Oh, and I'm pip, clearly here to give you an edit, yes indeed.

I started out by reading Tox's suggestions, and she's (as usual) dead on with her suggestions to make things read more poetically. Since she was so excellent, I'm just going to move right along and try to talk more about things she didn't touch. Please remember that everything I say is a suggestions, and don't hesitate to ask me any questions - about things I said or things I didn't say.

Let's talk content. I was confused as to what exactly the humans were doing, especially the man on the couch. Maybe you want to leave it unclear, but it sort of broke the spell for me. If I can't picture what's going on in such an active and vibrant scene, I get confused - but that's a visual learner for you.

Beyond that issue, though, I loved the way you never said explicitly in the poem who or what the narrator was. If I hadn't looked at title, I would have been sitting here scratching my head - but with the title, it all makes perfect sense. I love that so much. And I really loved the cat's reaction to the people, especially to the woman at the end. One thing that I'd look at again is this:

Why should they stop me?
...
But they try to stop me!

If this piece were longer, the first line might be a kind of foreshadowing, but for this length, I'd take it out.

Now, on to grammar! And here is where you learn that I am the resident grammar spaz. Grammar gets in my head, and then it bugs me when I see things that aren't exactly the way I want them. I always try to make a note to let you know when it's a thing that really needs fixing versus a thing that I would change but isn't wrong the way it is. Allons-y!

1. Punctuation. There's a lot of leeway in poetry, but I like to see continuity in it. You've got commas, a question mark, and some exclamation points. Very nice! I like variety. However, you don't use any periods. You've got capitals to signal where a new sentence starts, but *whines* I would definitely get some periods in there. But you don't really have to. Just something to think about.

2. But they try to stop me! / As they do whenever I try a reasonable thing
This looks to me like one sentence with some random punctuation in the middle.

Otherwise, it looks good!

I must say, Tox and I have a lot in common on this poem. She pulled out some other phrases that I agree with her analysis of, and we also have the same favorite lines. The walking/slinking/weaving really works for me - it's all the same movement, and it's described so well, and it's not clunky at all, it's not "I walked in a casually slinky and weaving manner" or anything. Wonderfully done overall, and hooray for you! I can't wait to read more from you :)

(side note: I like "exuberance" where it is. Maybe she makes a good point, but I didn't have an issue with it when I was reading. As you like!)

[eiremauve.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much!

[lacombe.livejournal.com]

HA! I love it. Deliberate, irrational exuberance. Orchestrated chaos. Very fun little nugget, this. :-)

[eiremauve.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you so much! :D