Brigit's Flame Entry-Week One

[eiremauve]

Title: Cat in the Square
Author: eiremauve
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Word Count: 103
Prompt: sashay
A/N: This needs to be more poetic. >_<

The humans are sashaying around
to the call of the man lazing on the couch
(he is supposed to be standing up
and clapping to the rhythm,
but no one cares)
So much order, yet such exuberance
I would love to join in, so I do
Why should they stop me?
I walk casually in
slinking around
weaving in between the dancers
But they try to stop me!
As they do whenever I try a reasonable thing
A woman comes and picks me up,
cradling me like a baby
and takes me out of the dance floor
What an insult to my dignity!

Comments

[pipisafoat]

Hello, eire! Apologies for being so late with this. A million things going on all over the place and I forgot to make an actual to-do list. However! Better late than never, right? Oh, and I'm pip, clearly here to give you an edit, yes indeed.

I started out by reading Tox's suggestions, and she's (as usual) dead on with her suggestions to make things read more poetically. Since she was so excellent, I'm just going to move right along and try to talk more about things she didn't touch. Please remember that everything I say is a suggestions, and don't hesitate to ask me any questions - about things I said or things I didn't say.

Let's talk content. I was confused as to what exactly the humans were doing, especially the man on the couch. Maybe you want to leave it unclear, but it sort of broke the spell for me. If I can't picture what's going on in such an active and vibrant scene, I get confused - but that's a visual learner for you.

Beyond that issue, though, I loved the way you never said explicitly in the poem who or what the narrator was. If I hadn't looked at title, I would have been sitting here scratching my head - but with the title, it all makes perfect sense. I love that so much. And I really loved the cat's reaction to the people, especially to the woman at the end. One thing that I'd look at again is this:

Why should they stop me?
...
But they try to stop me!

If this piece were longer, the first line might be a kind of foreshadowing, but for this length, I'd take it out.

Now, on to grammar! And here is where you learn that I am the resident grammar spaz. Grammar gets in my head, and then it bugs me when I see things that aren't exactly the way I want them. I always try to make a note to let you know when it's a thing that really needs fixing versus a thing that I would change but isn't wrong the way it is. Allons-y!

1. Punctuation. There's a lot of leeway in poetry, but I like to see continuity in it. You've got commas, a question mark, and some exclamation points. Very nice! I like variety. However, you don't use any periods. You've got capitals to signal where a new sentence starts, but *whines* I would definitely get some periods in there. But you don't really have to. Just something to think about.

2. But they try to stop me! / As they do whenever I try a reasonable thing
This looks to me like one sentence with some random punctuation in the middle.

Otherwise, it looks good!

I must say, Tox and I have a lot in common on this poem. She pulled out some other phrases that I agree with her analysis of, and we also have the same favorite lines. The walking/slinking/weaving really works for me - it's all the same movement, and it's described so well, and it's not clunky at all, it's not "I walked in a casually slinky and weaving manner" or anything. Wonderfully done overall, and hooray for you! I can't wait to read more from you :)

(side note: I like "exuberance" where it is. Maybe she makes a good point, but I didn't have an issue with it when I was reading. As you like!)

[eiremauve.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much!